I want to be in all senses of the words, All. Things. Mama.
As far back as I can remember I've wanted to be a mom, not just any mom, but the mom that stays home with her kids full time. The mom who loves even when she is not loved back, who can't breathe without thinking of her kids first. The mom who loves teaching, playing, cooking, baking, laughing, and kissing owies. The mom who is ALL THINGS MAMA. My husband and I scrimp so that dream can be fulfilled. Being a mom is not part time for me. It is something that has captured my heart. All of the going ons of my life start with thoughts of my kids. My kids consume my love and my life and I allow it because, with God's help they are the essence of what makes me a mother. This is me...

kids: the reason for moms

kids: the reason for moms

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

If I could..

I would go back to the day I broke my ankle in her backyard (both times) just to hear her voice again. I would give birth all over again to my first born daughter just to see her visiting me in the hospital telling me my baby is beautiful. I would do pretty much anything...if I could turn back time for one more hug, one more piece of advice, one more book to borrow or share with her, one last phone call, one more visit so my kids could get to know their great grandma more.

She made me feel special. Always thinking of me. Forever taking time to do things just for me because she knew I was coming over. A homemade custard, a coin with an angel on it set aside for my daughter who was having bad dreams at night, digging out a bag of marshmallows from her freezer just because my kids asked for them while at her house, special books and toys ordered just for our visits.

Jeopardy, Star Trek, fruit snacks and cartoons, Safeway's Homestyle Vanilla ice cream, slippers, and her cozy red chair...all reminders of a grandma that cared.

"I love you Marts, more than you know" she would tell me. What I wouldn't give to hear her say that to me one more time. These memories make me smile through the tears and with blurry vision I look at my kids and think about how much she adored them. Oh, how she loved my kids. And they sure loved being around her.

Thinking about how very special she made me feel, it makes me wonder how she did it? Four daughters, eight grandchildren, and nine great grandchildren and somehow she managed to make us each feel special, as if we were the only one that mattered to her in the whole world. It came natural to her.

She never drove a car, she didn't vote, but she sure knew how to be loving, understanding, and how to sneak my sister and I fruit snacks even when my mom told us no.

As much as I want to turn back time, I know she is up in heaven wanting to fast forward to the time when her family comes to join her in Paradise.

What I'm feeling now is a conglomeration of sadness and joy, the bittersweet realization that although I'm without my grandma, heaven has gained another citizen and she is basking in the bright light of our great God.